Things I Learned While Watching Hostel Last Night:

1) Americans are miserable tourists, reviled throughout Europe. Luckily, someone is doing something about this.
2) Eastern European chicks are really hot, and when eventually I’ve given up all hope, at least the mail-order bride thing is still an option. (Although some of them could stand to be a bit less evil.)
3) Guilt- and consequence-free sex is not to be lightly refused, as you are no more likely to be killed for having it than you are to be safe from doom for avoiding it. (NOTE: Does not apply to Camp Crystal Lake and environs.)
4) When possible, do not vomit while wearing a ball-gag. It will almost never end well.
5) I’d rather have holes drilled into my leg than be hamstrung.
6) In the highly unlikely event that a perfect revenge scenario appears fully formed behind a pizza delivery truck, well, cool beans. Take it, for it won’t come by again.

(Okay, let’s be honest. You weren’t going to see this movie. But on the off-chance that you’re still up in the air about it, that ought to be enough data to allow you to make up your mind. Carry on.)

7 thoughts on “Hostel

  1. Jeffem

    I feel pretty cheated, I’ll have you know. I anxiously waited for a review telling what you actually thought about the movie and how (not) good you might have thought it was. Only to have this (albeit amusing) list.

    What am I saying!? I swear I just didn’t give it any thought. Of COURSE you loved it. It had everything you would want in a movie, except zombies (or WERE there!?!).

    Never- freakin’ -mind.

  2. Jeffem

    BTW, I loved the vomiting. I hadn’t really thought too much about it before, but that’s just something that’s missing from the I-Know-I’m-Going-To-Die scenes, even though everybody would do it in that situation. I’m fine leaving out the soiled underwear, though.

  3. Pingback: Haunt (2019) | Shards of Delirium

  4. Pingback: Turistas | Shards of Delirium

  5. Pingback: The Green Inferno | Shards of Delirium

  6. Pingback: I Spit on Your Grave 2 | Shards of Delirium

  7. Pingback: Barbarian (2022) | Shards of Delirium

Comments are closed.