Yes Man

Return of the Wednesday dollar movie, yay. Less yay is that I still haven’t seen Friday the 13th’s remake yet. But that’s okay, because I will. What I did see was Yes Man, a very much by-the-numbers romantic comedy in which Jim Carrey meets the beautifully-voiced and pleasantly quirkily-featured Zooey Deschanel by virtue of saying yes to everything that comes his way.

Jim, you see, is this sad sack of a guy who got divorced several years ago and has pretty much given up. Whatever he does not commit to experiencing cannot disappoint him, so he commits to nothing. Except, he runs into an ex-coworker at an extremely low point and gets talked into a seminar about the power of “Yes!” From there forward, his life turns into a whirlwind of adventure and romance that has only one possible flaw. Well, okay, maybe two. I’d hate to spoil them, though.

Both the movie’s apparent message and especially its underlying actual message have a lot to recommend them, for anyone who is in shutdown mode. Pleasant though it would be, the world won’t come to you. (And I say that as someone for whom it actually did, once.) If you’re happy, that’s as far as it goes, and more power to you. But if you’re not, you pretty much have to stop waiting and get out there outside your numbed comfort zone and find the good things. And it will suck part of the time, but without the risk, you won’t ever get out of the hole. Also, though, you can swing too far in that direction. So don’t do that one either?

I guess my point is, if I didn’t think pretty highly of my present circumstances, I would find this movie inspiring instead of merely competently funny and exceedingly fun.

Danse Macabre

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So, here’s a possibly interesting tidbit about Danse Macabre. When I first knew of its existence in hardback, I wasn’t yet halfway through the series, and it looked like a lot of change was in store ahead. Anita was going from a zombie animator and vampire killer and unofficial detective to federal marshal? Cool beans! Pregnancy scare? Sure, fair enough, she’s got a boyfriend and maybe a second one. This would have been 2006, I guess?

Also, that probably wasn’t interesting at all, but it was pretty much the only thing I could think of to type that wouldn’t be dripping with vitriol, and it seems fair to give my readers a safe haven wherein they can decide to not keep going.

Because, Jesus God, this is a fucking terrible book. It spans 48 hours leading up to a vampire ballet performance, which latter part might have been pretty cool to watch, I guess? It was ten of the maybe fifteen pages where I didn’t want to claw my eyes out of my head while reading it, anyway, so I can’t help but look upon the scene fondly, y’know? In the meantime, there are these five hundred pages spanning these 48 hours, in which nothing of any interest happens. Anita might be pregnant, and she’s going to be sure to be strong about it except for fighting with all of her friends, or maybe that should be the definition of strength instead of an exception. But she also just might carry a bunch of impossible virii and be way stronger than anyone yet suspects, instead of being pregnant. All those Master Vampires they’ve invited to town for the ballet might have been a bad scary idea that will destroy their lives, or maybe they’ll gain all kinds of new power by having giant vampire orgies instead. She’ll certainly have to manage the expectations and feelings of her myriad emotionally crippled boyfriends, sure the normal ones like Richard and Nathaniel and Jason, but let’s not forget all the awesome non-names we can throw around, like Haven or Wicked or Truth or London or Asher or for fuck’s sake Requiem! And as if that weren’t bad enough, the Master of Chicago is named Augustine, which would be like a breath of fresh air except that he’s older than perennial fan favorite Jean Claude, and yet everyone calls him Auggie. AUGGIE!!!!

It’s like… well, I know I’ve mentioned Mary Sue before, but to sum up right quick, Mary Sue is a character in Star Trek fan fiction from probably the ’70s, who was written as a stand-in for the author, and she shows up every main character you’ve heard of on the Enterprise, she’s the one person with all the special skills and talents to save the day, plus pretty much everyone wants her in the worst way. It’s not that Anita Blake is a Mary Sue kind of character. It’s not THAT SIMPLE. It’s like, in these last few books, Anita Blake is the character that the original fictional Mary Sue would have written, if she herself were an author in addition to her many space-faring talents.

The worst part? I actually finished the book. I don’t exactly know how. I mean, at the beginning, I wasn’t angry, I just wanted to quit because it was so unpleasant. But it felt at that point like I was having an unfair personal reaction to some story elements, so I persevered. Eventually the relief of that part of the plot fading out of prominence got me through the interminable middle section in a bull-rush. And by the time I realized that every time I read more than a page at a sitting, I got angry, I was a) almost finished and b) didn’t have access to the next book I wanted to read. And by the time I solved that problem, I was really almost finished, and the old idiotic completionism had kicked in. But, seriously, I think I accidentally got a little drunk on Wednesday night because I was reading, and if I couldn’t focus on the book, I wouldn’t have to read anymore. I don’t so much no longer care about these characters as I sincerely want them all to die in a fire. And I’m in the unique position of being able to make that happen. But it seems like I shouldn’t?

Anyway. Here’s what does happen: Anita gets threatened in dreams by the First Evil, or the Queen of the Damned, or someone like that. The Mother of Night, there we go. Anyway, she’s the very first vampire, and she’s been waking up gradually for a few books now. And then later, Anita talks to a guy who was made a vampire by that one chick, and who might be the Arthurian Merlin instead of just a vampire with a similar name, and who is certainly the first dude in a long time that might be more powerful than our merry band of sex-starved heroes. Which might matter, except he wants to sign on with them instead of oppose them? I guess I just ruined the book, but if I can tell you every single plot event that occurred in only two-ish sentences, it may just be that someone else ruined the book first.

God! I can’t stop being pissed off about this!

And all the fucking horrible verbal tics! “That wonderful Gallic shrug that meant everything or nothing.” “[This or that sexual pecadillo] just flat did it for me.” The repetition between thought and action, along the lines of, say, someone asks a question, then our author types, “I didn’t know the answer to that. ‘I don’t know the answer to that,’ I said.” I mean, the first few and others that I thankfully can’t recall offhand, there’s no reason for you to read them and understand how, after a dozen books of the same phrases over and over again, I am boiling with fury at the memory. But that last repetition thing? Who is possibly allowed to write like that?!

Okay. Okay. I’m stopping now. Fuck!

Push (2009)

You know what’s cool? There are just so many movies right now that have science fiction and/or superhero themes going. And it’s much like the present horror renaissance, in that so many genre films coming down the pipe means a lot of them will be not so good. But the whole point of that is that you inevitably end up with the real gems now and again. Which brings us to Push, which in all honesty looked from the previews like someone had watched Jumper and said to themselves, hey, I can make that movie too!

And, okay, instead of teleporters and evil paladins, they have telekinetics and future-drawers and mind controllers and a whole host of additional powered people, plus the U.S. government and the Triads. And they all run around Hong Kong, trying to find a drug that the consistently-talented Dakota Fanning’s mom says will bring down the feds. Who are kind of evil, maybe? But not as bad as the Triads.

Here’s the thing. It has plot holes you could drive a truck through, and it is at core a little bit silly. But it was damn fun! And it had drunk Dakota Fanning! I’m pretty sure that in the next five to ten years, she is going to be an incredible actress, and good for her. And ultimately, I kind of figure that whoever made Push was basically making Jumper again. What I forgot to consider until the movie made me realize it is that it’s possible to make Jumper again, but to make a good version. And that is pretty much what this was. Yay, that.

Black Hawk Down

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First Netflix movie in quite a while, I am thinking! I’ve been watching some TV there, so that’s part of why, but certainly my extremely slow usage rate is involved as well. I’m so glad there are now lots of streaming options, as it makes my membership almost valid again, monetarily. Anyhow, what I saw was Black Hawk Down, the moderately (and perhaps excessively) true story of a peace-keeping mission in Somalia in 1993 that went entirely pear-shaped.

And, you know, it was in no particular way a bad movie. It’s chock-full of actors that have since gone on to be awesome, plus several more who already were. It was pretty damn dramatic, and tense and actiony with all the shooting and the explosions and the certain death lurking around every corner, and, y’know, that was the problem. I went ahead and watched it because I had it, and I couldn’t guarantee things would change anytime soon, but I was just not in the mood for a story about tragic, hopeless odds, and the non-overcoming of adversity. Heroism galore, yes, but it still left me entirely depressed, and that was with realizing I wasn’t in the mood for it and doing internet stuff at the same time instead of focusing my full attention.

In the unlikely event that I see it again and (more importantly) am ready to see it, I’ll try this review again, because it’s just completely unfair as presented.

Tales of the Vampires

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Back when Buffy and Angel were over and nobody had yet realized that they could continue the show via comics, Joss Whedon and some of his close writer friends got together to write up some ancillary material and dump it into a few graphic novels. One such outcome is Tales of the Vampires, in which an agreeable connective story (about a vampire who is, um, telling some tales about vampire-kind to some young Watchers-in-training) surrounds a reasonably high number of micro-stories that vary between so-so and surprisingly clever. As you’d expect, the Whedon-penned connective story is the best, with Jane Espenson’s entries an easy second choice. The art, as usual for old-style Buffy comics, isn’t really to my taste, but it’s never really that bad either. Mostly, though, it reminds me I should really ought to catch up on the monthly Buffy shipments I’ve been getting.

Ultimate Fantastic Four: Devils

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In Devils, the Fantastic Four once again tangle with their first enemy, the Mole Man, an event which might turn out to have unintended and far-reaching consequences. I’m not really sure I trust the storyline to go anywhere, though, since it was part of an annual, which issues tend to be further than usual outside the main story arc of any Marvel comic I’ve read. (On the bright side, they are never completely separated from it, either, which still keeps them ahead of my expectations.)

But then they tangled with a Renaissance alchemist called Diablo. And a lot of other alchemists who were less evil but also had a lot of magical powers nevertheless. So, apparently, there’s magic in the Ultimate universe, not just lots of freaky science accidents. I guess I’m less okay with this than I expected, and probably because it’s taken so long to appear. Still, it’s a comic, and I’ll get over it here soon. More disconcerting was how containedly episodic the entire sequence felt. I won’t really know if I’m wrong about that for quite a while, but it might be worse if I am, since it really wouldn’t make any sense to dig the storyline up again, so solidly was it concluded.

Well, okay, there was one reasonably cool loose end. And time travel, which is always fun, even when there are no apparent consequences.

Outlander

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So, you know the story of Beowulf, right? He started killing monsters to make people think he was awesome, and eventually became the king, and he even killed a space dragon? Wait, I meant a regular dragon. That’s a weird typo! I… I may have shown my hand too quickly? In Outlander, see, there’s this guy from space, and he crash-lands because a couple of alien monsters screwed up his ship. And then he teams up with a bunch of vikings named Hrothgar and Wulfric and Boromir and Viking Kate Winslet and Erik, and they fight against the aliens and do things like be noble and dramatic and fall in love.

It’s a little hard to believe that this concept made it beyond the Sci-Fi channel’s weekend line-up, but the truth is, it’s more than good enough for that. As cheesy science fiction goes, it was pretty much top of the barrel. (I mean, it was still cheesy in a lot of ways, make no mistake!) It had a displacer beast! And an alien food bank! And a genocide sub-theme that ultimately seemed to come out in favor? Yeah, okay, I’m not too sure about that part either, but it was still a pretty awesome movie.

Taken (2008)

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MV5BMTM4NzQ0OTYyOF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwMDkyNjQyMg@@._V1__SX1859_SY847_So, you know how in Europe, there are all these unscrupulous Albanians and Serbians and other Iron Curtainers running around kidnapping people, for the purpose of letting them be tortured to death or else sold into sexual slavery? Here’s a thing that I maintain would be a bad idea: being one of those people, and kidnapping Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn’s daughter. I mean, if he were allowed to be angry and have thoughts of revenge. So, Sith Master Qui-Gon Jinn, I guess is what I mean. Also, he and Jack Bauer probably hang out over beers, sometimes.

I predict this is enough information to tell you whether you’ll like Taken. In case you’re on the fence, don’t forget that Liam Neeson cannot help but lend pathos and gravitas to every role he plays. It drips off of him like sweat off some guy named Keith.

Ultimate Spider-Man: Cats and Kings

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The problem is, it feels like all of my Ultimate Spider-Man reviews are basically the same. That is the only problem, though. I’m pretty sure that if there were forty years’ worth of this series to read, I wouldn’t read anything else for a long, long time. As it is, I hold myself in check, so that I won’t run out for a while. (See also: the Dresden Files)

So, in Cats and Kings, Aunt May continues to be the best (rather than worst) supporting character in comics, J. Jonah Jameson[1] shows sudden depth of character, Mary Jane reveals new troubles that, in retrospect, have been there all along, and… oh, right! There’s also some crime-fighting! Including the return of Spidey’s first foe, the Kingpin, the reveal of a single-dimensional Elektra that has nothing much to do with the one I’ve reviewed lately[2], and new-to-me character Black Cat, who… okay, despite an apparent cribbing of a DC character you may or may not be familiar with, seems like she might be the best crossover between Peter’s life and Spider-Man’s since the Osborn family. It remains to be seen, though!

As usual, none of this comes close to capturing the essential funness of the series. Every volume is like reading the first day of sunlight in the spring in Seattle, or reading your kid’s first steps, or reading the first time you ever had sex with Scarlett Johansson.[3]

[1] He runs the newspaper, the Daily Bugle, where Peter Parker works. But you knew that?
[2] Which is pretty much a good thing. The Ultimate Daredevil and Elektra in their own books have no good way to cross-over with the rest of the Ultimate universe, unlike most of the rest of what I’ve read.
[3] Too much hype?

Walled In

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One of the few things that’s pretty cool about the Studio Movie Grill as a chain is that they get quite a few sneak preview movies, and it’s usually pretty easy to get into them. Sure, it’s not like the Alamo Drafthouse, where I can watch crazy old movies from the ’60s and ’70s that are all but impossible to find except in people’s personal film collections, but which get loaned out on occasion. But the SMG previews have never been a bad time; I mean, look at Tropic Thunder!

Except, here’s the thing about Walled In: It kind of is a crazy old movie from the ’70s. In several subtle ways, it reminded me of the Italian horror field from that time. I mean, nothing that actually happened, but the mood of the thing, and the inability to pull a coherent plot thread from one end of the movie to the other. Which, other than the pleasant nostalgia, was kind of a problem; don’t get me wrong. See, there’s this architect/construction chick who has been tapped to plan the demolition of a seriously awesome condo/apartment building, in the middle of a swamp by itself, that was designed by a very famous architect who has never lost a building to earthquakes, hurricanes, fires, or whatever. And this was his last building: while he lived there, some other dude went crazy and buried a bunch of his murder victims in the walls, including our famous architect. And now there are only four people still living in the building, which I forgot to mention has some spiritual similarity to the building in Ghostbusters, in that you can tell just by looking that it was probably laid out in such a way as to summon Gozer the Gozerian, when the time is ripe. Or something just like that.

And then things get weird and inexplicable, in the way that Italian horror movies do. I can’t exactly recommend it, or even describe it as good. But it did evoke its mood just perfectly, and I believe there are a few people out in the world, maybe even dozens, who know exactly what I mean and would be thrilled to see this, once. Maybe twice, if it was with someone else who would also know, but missed it the first time.

As a final note, this was shipped to the theater on DVD instead of film. You could tell because of the DVD notification right before it started, plus the occasional “Property of Anchor Bay” that flashed across the bottom of the screen at sporadic intervals. I cannot help but think that this was an unintentional prophecy about the flick’s eventual release. Any takers?