The last time I saw a movie that was this refreshingly straightforward about how things would go, it was Stay out of the Fucking Attic.

So the deal is, some young adult types (the couple who arrived early only to mysteriously vanish, the sister of the girl in that couple and her girlfriend, a preppy couple, a stoner, and a video store chick) go camping in the woods. In many cases, these people engage in some form of sex, in direct contravention of the film’s title.

Don’t Fuck in the Woods is director Shawn Burkett’s distillation of every ’80s slasher movie in a rural setting. Skip all the backstory about the tortured summer camp cook or twin survivor of a boating accident or rabid grizzly bear and just go straight to a creature who hunts by sex pheromone or something, and don’t even explain that part, just film some people fucking so later you can film them being eviscerated. There’s no foreplay here, just a lean hour[1] of badly filmed sex and violence.

But you know what? Expectations were solidly met.

[1] It says 73 minutes, but don’t be fooled. That’s three minutes of showing the cast at their nudest and most bloody under the name cards of the actors, followed by a ten minute blooper reel in which they make it abundantly clear that this is not the kind of production that hires an intimacy coordinator.